Efficient Communication is not Good Communication: Date With the Spouse Example

I know lots of people who travel often as a part of their work routine. They love their work but they also always look forward to returning home after each trip. I am one of those people.

The first thing I want to do after every trip is to spend time with my wife, usually over a relaxing dinner. So as I wait at the gate to board my plane, you would think it might be natural for me to turn on the Blackerry hit the speed dial for my wife and say,

“Hey babe, I miss your face. Let’s go out and grab a bite after I land tonight.”

On the surface, these two brief sentences may sound appealing to most of you: reasonable, kind, and affectionate.

It’s not. That’s why if you're sitting next to me at an airport waiting to board a plane you will never, ever hear me say it. If I did, here’s what she might say:

“Grab a bite? Well, I don’t think so. I’m just not in the mood. There’s way too much work around here. What I really want it for you come home and lend a hand.”

Any spouse or partner might respond to the “Grab a bite” invitation this way because it’s a good example of an effortless, mediocre communication. “Grab a bite” is efficient, but worthless, because it won’t help me to change the status quo. I’m still not going to have that relaxing dinner with my wife. Delivering a fast, efficient, and to the point message, means I lose.

“Grab a bite” is too brief, too glib, and too simple and is completely devoid of work and energy. The negative reaction like the one I might receive from my wife is exactly what frequently stuns the lazy communicator, who whines, “Hey, I’m just trying to be nice.”

This arrogant communicator is talking, but not connecting, mouthing brief and pithy words, but not doing the real work necessary to build a connection.

Next Time: How You Can be Good and Build Connections Quickly, Instead of Just Effcient.