Stop Talking; Start Communicating

Forget Executive Presence...Just Learn to Tell a Story

2012-01-02T16:43:00.003-05:00

I never coach my clients on what some call “executive presence.” Instead I teach them how to tell stories. Describing and sharing a story that is important to you is the quickest way to gain and sustain great presence at the podium, in front of the room, or even sitting at a conference table. If you’re telling a story you believe in, your body language, your eye contact, your posture, your use of your hands, and your animation will be perfect for you and for the audience. You know how to stand. You know how to raise and lower your voice for meaning. You know how to look others straight in the eye.

Here’s what the “good posture, great eye contact” presenters know that you don’t know: They know when they’re in front of the room telling a story about something they really care about, they always automatically have great presence, posture and poise.

Most business professionals cannot emote on cue. People who can emote on cue are called “actors.” But even the most passive business professionals can get that fire in their eyes and quickly become engaging by telling a story about a person they believe in. If you’re telling a story about someone you see, someone you know, someone you care about, you will exude confidence and project an inspiring executive presence every time, in front of every audience.

THESE WORDS DOOM EVERY SALES CALL

2010-12-18T16:50:00.004-05:00

Far too many sales people start their presentations to prospects with a heavy serving of Dwight Schrute topped off with a dollop of Eddie Haskell:

“I wanted to just take the opportunity to tell you what an honor it is to meet with you today and, of course, to let you know how much I appreciate you giving up some of your valuable time to hear a little something about us.”

This is so wrong in so many ways. First off you are lying. You…me…Mario Lopez…no one… is “honored” to meet with a prospect.

Now I’m not saying that you would never be honored to meet someone. For example, you might start the truthful “honored” introduction to any of these people:
• The Dali Lama
• Martin Scorsese
• Queen Elizabeth
• Tim Gunn
• Oprah Winfrey
• David Bowie (in my case)

But, you’re not “honored” to meet a sales prospect. You presence in their office does not fulfill a lifelong ambition; rather you are there to convince them to give you some of their money.

That’s okay dude…it's not a big secret. They are interested enough in sending some of their money your way, to let you explain to them why they should consider the notion. They are hoping you will show them how parting with their money will make them more money.

Okay, point number two: stop wasting their time by telling them their time is so frickin’ valuable.

They know it. They also know you are wasting it, just by pointing it out. It’s lame. It’s yucky. It will have them yearning for a shower just after being in the same room as you.

Here’s much better way to launch that prospect meeting:

“I’m here today to convince you to work with us. You’ve given me thirty minutes (or however long they have given you). I promise to make good use of your time. Let’s get started.”

It’s direct. It’s efficient. It’s honest. It’s refreshing.
Save the “My, that’s a lovely dress Mrs. Cleaver” for your in-laws.

Next blog: The right way to start a meeting with your employees.

E-Mail is for Wimps: Act like a Leader and Pick up the Frickin ’ Phone

2010-07-20T12:30:00.003-04:00

Yes, I am channeling Gordon Gecko/Michael Douglas here. Everyone thinks “Greed is good" from the Teldar Annual meeting scene is the best line in WALL STREET.

(The full and more accurate quote according to IMDB is “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.”)

Well, I don’t think it’s the best of many iconic lines from Gordon. Instead, I love his advice to Bud Fox/Charlie Sheen early in the second reel: “Lunch Is for wimps.”

Anyway enough of Oliver Stone and back to me and you. I’m imploring you to stop your inclination to emote, praise or criticize about anything even remotely important in an e-mail to those who work for you.

Do the right thing instead. Pick up the ‘Frickin phone’ and at deliver the message ear to ear. If they aren’t there and you won't be able to reach them soon, at least leave a voice mail so they can hear the sound of your voice. That’s the best way to ensure that you are serious about the topic at hand.

E-mail is sterile and bland by definition. It’s just “electronic” mail, not “personal mail”; not “high impact mail”.

Don't get me wrong: I like e-mail. You can act like a powerful and incredibly efficient leader when you use it for simple, polite information and non qualitative communication:

· Yes, I’ll be there.

· I’ve attached the proposal for your review.

· Here’s the address

· I’m looking forward to seeing you and the rest of the team at the quarterly meeting.

But.......

You act like a wimp and a weak leader who doesn’t deserve to be followed when you use it to coach, guide, cheerlead, or disapprove about a matter that is important to your employees’ performance and success.

So pick up the phone and call. Let them know this is important…so important that you want them to hear the sound of your voice. If you don’t care enough to deliver your message in a powerful, connective way, they won’t be as inclined to care enough about what you have to say. Want to be a rock star? Dump the phone and deliver the important message in person.

Two more notes about e-mail in the workplace

1) If you have to swear in an e-mail, replace a couple of characters with symbols, so it’s not so crude:

· Best: We’ll have a blast at the retreat. I can’t wait.

· Fair: We’ll have a f****ing blast at the treat. I can’t wait.

· Worst: I won’t write it here because I follow my own advice, but you get the idea.

2) No jokes in your e-mail that you wouldn’t want to share in person with your favorite member of the clergy. You don’t know who is going to forward your e-mail to who and let’s face it, the concluding lines of the limerick that starts THERE ONCE WAS A HERMIT NAMED DAVE never play well when read aloud by opposing council in a courtroom where you are the defendant in a hostile work environment lawsuit.

Special thanks to super Vistage Chair Don Riddell and the members of Los Angeles based Vistage CE 662 for encouraging (actually demanding) that I stop being so lazy and start writing blog entries again. It was the kick in the behind I needed!

Only a Loser Touts a “Win-Win”

2009-11-08T18:29:00.004-05:00

So there you are, sitting in a conference room where, and against the odds, the meeting is going pretty well. Every one of your colleagues is making sense, for once; the team is getting a lot done. You think to yourself, “Wow, this is too good to be true.”

Suddenly, you realize, you were right.

That’s because the boss sits upright and perky, gently taps left hand and right hand fingertips together in the “here is the church” mode of pontification, and announces, “Well, what I really love about all these ideas is that we have created a WIN-WIN situation.”

That triggers a siren in your head, screaming, “Oh boy: someone’s going to get totally screwed. I just haven’t figured out who and how yet.”

The “WIN-WIN” chestnut comes from the same losing communication family tree as “honestly” and “to be perfectly candid.” It chills every conversation and drops a veil of suspicion that can’t be lifted easily.

There is no reason to tout “WIN-WIN” situation, just like there is no reason to proclaim:

you think it’s important to be truthful,
you always are kind to animals,
that you will be faithful to your spouse when you go on a business trip.

Remember this: every time you say something that should be unsaid, you ARE NOT blasting a cool breeze of good karma. You’re just creating a stench.

Next time, we’ll discuss my disdain for “WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE.”

(Special thanks to Pam Hendrickson, COO of the Riverside Company for conspiring with me on this post.)

The Employee Praise Primer: Dole it Out Carefully and Make It Count When You Do.

2009-07-08T22:58:00.001-04:00

Since the feel good ‘80’s it’s been very fashionable for bosses to praise employees quickly and often.

You know what I’m talking about: “just catch your employees doing something right and let ‘em know you appreciate it!” Then beam like a proud mommy or daddy.

I say it’s a destructive leadership style.

Carried out to a facetious extreme, that dictum would have you, the boss, saying something like, “Gregg, I noticed when you came out of the rest room, you had washed your hands. I think that’s just great that you recognize the important of proper hygiene!”

Or….

“Jackie, you did a wonderful job collating these copies. The pages of the report follow one after another perfectly.”

It’s creepy and disingenuous.

And it’s not what employees want...or what spouses; significant others, students, kids or your friends want either. Shallow and quick praise hurts you more than saying nothing. It tells your employees you are more concerned appearing to be a good boss, than taking the trouble to actually be a good boss.

We all appreciate kind words when the praise demonstrates a unique understanding of what it takes to do a job well. The strong boss will go to the trouble to explain that she or he understands how the successful task has made a difference to the organization.

Here’s what I’m talking about:.

Sucky praise: “Hey Mike, great job on the Longstead project. You really rock!”

Powerful praise: “Hey Mike, I know how you really burned the midnight oil bringing the whole Longstead thing together. The customer back copied me on a lot of your e-mails, and I could see you were sending great updates past 7, 8 and 9’oclock at night, so they’d have new information from you first thing in the morning. They told me they think you rock. I told them I’m glad you are a part of my team.”

The sucky praise is kinda’ nice, at best, sorta’ insincere at worst. . The Powerful praise will have Mike working late time and time again because he knows exactly why it’s appreciated.

Next Posting: How to criticize. That’s right: criticize! (Please notice the word “constructive” is nowhere in sight!)

“Passive-Aggressive Party of One: Your Table is Now Ready”

2009-06-29T10:47:00.003-04:00

Despite the fact I tout myself as a communications expert, I received a hefty bit of spot on coaching about my own words this morning. The course correction was tough, but fair.

It all started over my first cup of coffee when I said to my wife, business partner and best friend, “I’ll go ahead and make the bed.” (It was my turn, especially since she got up early up to walk the dogs).

“Does that mean you want me to do it?” Renee asked without looking up from the paper.

“Why on earth would you say that? I was merely saying that I would go ahead and make the bed,” I responded, slightly offended.

“Yeah, but when you add the words, ‘go ahead and’ it sounds like you want to get out of it, or that you want credit for something that’s pretty ordinary.”

I put my hand to my chest, as if I was stabbed, “What on earth are you referring to?”

Renee put the paper down and did a slow turn at the table to look me in the eye, “Oh, let’s see, how about:
‘I’ll just go ahead and empty the dishwasher’ or
‘I’ll just go ahead and walk the dogs one last time for the night’ or
‘I’ll just go ahead and pick up the dry cleaning.’

When you add ‘go ahead and’ it’s like you want a special star or a hug, that you’re really doing something above and beyond the call of household stuff. But here’s what I really think you’re hoping for when you add the words ‘go ahead and’: that you are hoping I’ll do it for you. Just ask, if that’s what you want.”

Well I couldn’t believe my ears! She was criticizing…no attacking is a better word…my communication skills set. How offensive! On top of that she had the unmitigated gall to be right. I (yeah, that’s right Mark Wiskup) was using passive-aggressive, yes even manipulative words. I was ashamed.

“Honey you are right,” I offered. “I’m going to make the bed now.”

“Good,” Renee said, getting back to the paper.

“Then I’m going to go ahead and write a blog about this.”

“Whatever,” she turned the page of the Metro section and didn’t look up.

The Best Bosses Know This to be True: Your Employees Aren’t Your Friends

2009-06-13T22:17:00.002-04:00

“Wow, tres harsh,” you say. But you will be a better communicator with your employees in every exchange when you wrap your arms around the concept that your employees are not your friends. Nor should they be.

You say you like your employees. I say it’s fine to have a professional affection for your employees. Just don’t think that equates to friendship.

You say you count on your employees. I say it’s great to trust your employees. You are lucky. But, you do not have to be a friend to them to trust them.

You say you have surrounded yourself with people better than you. I say you are a strong leader. However, just because your employees are better (or worse) than you does not mean they are your friends.

You say you enjoy working, strategizing and creating with your employees. I say you are blessed with a very unique group of people working for you. That does not make any of them your true BF or Bud.

You say your employees would do anything for you. I say you just haven’t asked them to make the lease payment on the copier yet. You say you would do anything for your employees. I say they haven’t asked you to trade their Ford Focus for your BMW yet.

Friends never base their relationship on the exchange of money. Money is the sole basis of your relationship with your employees. You give them money because they do the work you require. They do the work you require because you pay them money. That’s it. This exchange of money disqualifies friendship.

If someone offers your employee enough money, they will leave you. A friend won’t. If your employee isn’t earning the money you pay them, eventually you will fire them. Since you don’t pay your friends, you’ll never fire them for not doing enough of the work you require.

All of your “boss communications” become more powerful and efficient once you accept the fact that you can be courteous, respectful, professionally nurturing and even friendly without ever being a friend to the employee.

The boss who realizes that mutual economic advancement is the driving force to the relationship is the boss who connects best with employees and earns the most admiration in the process and nothing else.

If you want a BF, look outside the office. You’ll have more success and make more money.

Nightmare on Social Media Street - Part IV The Conclusion

2009-05-31T19:02:00.003-04:00

The Abercrombie Fitch guy from the Ben & Jerry’s shouted from down the concourse,

“Communication Fascist!”

The girl with the lip ring and the relatives in Modesto, jumped in:

“creepy old dinosaur.”

The prepped out prof said,

“Neanderthal dinosaur,”

My eyes started to well up as I realized everyone was picking on me. Yet still, I tried to fight back. Channeling Sean Penn in Fast Times at Ridgemont High I bellowed, “Hey pontificating professor: Make up your mind, Dude. Am I a Neanderthal or a dinosaur? You’re playing with a couple of million years of spread there, Toots.”

“Stop it Nazi!”

said the girl who was furious about the outcome of American Idol,

“If CoolProf tweets Neanderthal with dinosaur, WTF is it to you?”

There’s the World Trade Federation again.

“Change your username to Goebbels,”

said the fan of Saw Palmetto tablets.

“Because you sure heart giving orders.”

The flight attendant said,

“Go back to 1997. Tell Hanson ‘MMM-Bop!’”

I started to cry. They were big tears. The woman in the jeans and jacket who I had confided in, faced me, smiled and said,

“Had organic turkey sandwich with a delicious tart pickle spear. Not sure if pickle organic."

“What the hell?” I stammered between the cascading rivers of tears, “Does that have to do with anything? Why did you tell me that?”

“We’re not friends,”

said the St. John’s knit lady from Ben & Jerry’s.

“Not following you,”

said the guy with the Braves hat.

“We’re not LinkedIn,”

said the Dick Cheney fan.

A blasting ring of a telephone filled the terminal. Not once, but twice and then three times, as everyone stood silent, waiting for me to leave.

I awoke in my study, a trace of drool having dibbled down my chin and onto the keyboard where I had fallen asleep. My Tweetdeck was still up on the screen. Thank God. The nightmare was over.

I composed myself and picked up the phone before the fourth ring. It was my close friend Chip.

“Hi there Mark. Listen, I’ve got a quick question. Do you know much about Facebook and Twitter? My kids tell me I’m really missing out on something.”

THE END (or so I think)

Nightmare on Social Media Street - Part III

2009-05-30T16:33:00.004-04:00

“Great, huh?”

A 30-something woman in jeans and a sharp jacket asked me. My head throbbed and all I could think of was the joy of boarding the plane home. I didn’t even notice anyone was sitting next to me at the gate.

“What do you mean great?” I asked. “This is frickin’ chaos. It’s worse than that. It’s hell. How can you stand it?”

Her lips curled in a very patronizing smile,

“You signed up for Facebook, Twitter, Plaxo and Linkedin didn’t you? Bask in the wonder and purity of social media. Stop fighting it.”

“Well I signed up for all the stuff because everyone said I would lose business and become irrelevant if I didn’t,” I explained.

A flight attendant in full uniform, kerchief and all, who was walking by said,

“It’s not about money or careers, gramps. It’s about connecting 24/7.

Hope it’s not too late for you.”

I stopped fretting about the bizarre nature of the tableau I was in the middle of. Instead, I found myself getting angry. I shouted so loud everyone in the entire terminal could hear me,

“What about editing?

What about grammar?

What about linear thinking?

What about the development of sophisticated, useful syntax over the last twenty thousand years?

What about a thesis, supported by compelling arguments?

What about composing your thoughts for a minute or two before you throw them up on everybody?

Is that all passé?

Or should I say I heart complete sentences with a subject and a predicate, just so you’ll comprehend what the hell I’m talking about.”

Everybody stopped on the concourse. I mean everyone: from the Ben & Jerry’s, down past the restrooms, to my gate. It was obvious from the fiercely turning heads in my direction; they were not pleased with my outburst. Three of them screamed in rapid order,

“WTF, Dude?”

I didn’t even try to fathom how on earth the World Trade Federation could have any relevance to this situation.

Tomorrow Nightmare on Social Media Street (The Final Installment): They Turn on Me.

Nightmare on Social Media Street - Part II

2009-05-29T08:34:00.005-04:00

My head was starting to clear as I wiped the cold water from my face with a paper towel out of the rotary dispenser. I held my hands under the sensor on the soap dispenser when the guy next to me, who was running his hands under the water said,

“Saw palmetto tablets and pomegranate juice relieves that occasional burning sensation.”

“Why are you sharing that with me?” I asked.

Before the diuretic expert could answer, a 30-something wearing a tweed jacket, Cole Hahn Penny Loafers and tortoise shell glasses wiping his hands in front of the trash can said,

“Seeds of radical Islamic fundamentalism sown in years after WW II. We worried too much about Greece and Italy. Not enough about the Arab fiefdoms. I’m not alone on this one. Check out PhillipOurBlunder.com

This was worse than the ice cream line. First a guy takes me into his confidence about something I’d rather discuss only with my urologist and then Mr Young guy professor is pontificating about post World War Two History and pointng me to a website. What the hell is going on?

A stocky fellow with a turned around Braves hat still standing at the urinal followed that with,

“Can’t blame Manny, A-Rod or even Clemens. They’re pitiful, yet wealthy serfs in a corrupt kingdom called Major League Ball.”

I’d had enough of the restroom. I hurried out of there and headed to the gate. Along the way, everyone I passed on the concourse shouted to me whatever was on their mind.

Woman driving the beeping airport cart:

“Don t care how much respect he gets from the media.

Eminem is still a misogynist. I’m boycotting his new album”

Man in a Jos Banks suit buying a USA TODAY:

“Gotta heart Dick Cheney. He just doesn’t back away from a fight.

We need to listen to him. Rush can’t do it all alone."

Man behind him in line, in a white starched shirt and a repp tie,

“Obama better release those torture photos. We are entitled to see them.”

Teenage girl with those white IPOD headphones on:

“At the airport with Jessica.”

The friend ..it must be Jessica… she is travelling with,

“Still mad. America screwed up. What the f***! Adam rules. I’d drink his bathwater.

I heart him so. Kris sucks.”

A college kid with a DIGG t-shirt, jeans and flop flops yelled,

“Animal Collective scored with Merriweather Post Pavilion.”

This was getting worse, not better. I started running to my gate. When I got there, I sat down, put my hands on my head and tried to focus solely on my Eddie Bauer deck shoes. I prayed the plane would be on time and I could get out of the mass hysteria of Atlanta’s Terminal C and away from all these nut jobs.

Tomorrow on Part III: I fight back against the insanity.

Nightmare on Social Media Street - Part I

2009-05-28T10:00:00.005-04:00

So I’m standing in line at the Ben & Jerry’s in the C Terminal at the Atlanta Airport --you know the C Terminal ---the one that Delta and Air Tran share. So anyway, I’m standing there, trying to decide how much lactose my system can take this time of night when the woman in a St. John’s knit suit ahead of me in line turned completely around, facing me.

“Want ice cream now. OK because 52 minutes on the treadmill today.

I heart Ben & Jerry’s. Always have.”

Before I could respond to this unsolicited justification, a 20-something guy in front of her with an Abercrombie & Fitch Polo and faded jeans turned completely around facing both of us and said,

“Gladwell’s Outliers rocks. He skated with Blink. Glad he’s back to Tipping Point form.”

As soon as he was done with that non sequitur, the girl with the lip ring behind the counter displayed large snapshots for us with both hands,

“Relatives in Milpitas, CA. My 3 year old neice is so cute.”

To which the Abercrombie and Fitch guy responded,

“So over LOST. Liked it at the beginning. Time travel stuff is lame.

Freckles is pretty hot, though. Juliette’s a sourpuss.”

Then the St John’s Knit lady said,

“No! I still heart LOST.

Spirituality, self doubt displayed by all transcends demographics.

Don’t mind it at all when Sawyer goes shirtless.”

The Ben & Jerry’s girl had whipped out two new pictures from nowhere,

“My cousin - systems analyst works here in Modesto.

His Mom was extra in American Graffiti..

Not a blood relative, but treats me like a niece anyway.

They were all taking turns, speaking in order, each waiting until the other one finished to follow with these random statements, which they delivered with the utmost confidence.
“Uhm, I’m sorry do I know you guys?” I asked.

“I follow you.” “We’re friends.” “You follow me.”

They said one after another, in perfect cadence.

“Uhm, I’m getting a little creeped out here.” I said.

Then the St. John’s knit lady said,

“I’m laughing out loud.”

The girl behind the counter was no longer holding the snapshots in her hands, but she chimed in,

“I’m laughing out loud.”

Ironically neither of them was laughing out loud. If fact, they delivered their responses with perfectly straight faces. The polo shirt guy said,

“I’m laughing out loud too. Miss Chris Farley. Tommy Boy is a classic.”

I decided ice cream wasn’t worth this time in the loony bin. So I went to the bathroom to splash water on my face and try to figure out why people were talking in this bizarre fashion.

(Tomorrow Part II: TERROR IN THE TERMINAL HEIGHTENS)

Networking 101: Don’t Go for the Prom Dress!

2009-05-12T16:24:00.001-04:00

(Infomercial Narrator voice) How many times has this happened to you?

I walk into a networking event, prepared to meet some interesting people, make some contacts, and snag a few business cards to follow up on. I’m not in attack mode, and I hope others aren’t either. I just want to chill and spread the brand. It’s a good mission. But, I find my hopes are dashed with the first exchange.

“Hi I wanted to know if I could introduce myself. My name is Milburn Drysdale and I work for the Beverly Hills Bank.”

Well, this is okay I think. He looks professional and confident. Plus, I’ve heard of the bank. So I bite, and tell him who I am and where I work.

Mr. Drysdale flashes a bright, bright smile, and says that’s very, very, interesting. Well it’s not really interesting and we both know it. He’s starting to come on too strong. Oh, oh, then he makes the first move for the spaghetti strap on my dress.

“Uh, I was just wondering, where do you bank?”

Mr. Drysdale, you’re way too forward. I know where you’re going with this. First one strap (where do you bank), then the other (are you happy there? You know we offer some great services I’d like to tell you about?). Next thing I know Mr. Drysdale you’ll have both your manicured hands on my lower back (do you have some time next week so we can get together) and creeping me out in the process. I know what you want! Pretty soon you’ll be telling all the boys how easily you got an appointment with me.

Don’t be like Mr. Drysdale. Go slow in networking events with the whole “you know we can help you, do you want to set up a meeting next week” thing. It’s desperate and ineffective. You may get an appointment or two with this heavy handed approach, but they probably won’t be with high quality prospects…just people with weak wills. Worse, you’ll get a “networking alley cat” reputation that’s hard to shake.

It’s much better to ask people you just met about their customers. This is an easy and sincere way to get people to talk about themselves. It also gives you the opportunity to discuss what you do for your customers. Not on the make, just nice and pleasant. If you demonstrate in this little exchange that you care about your customers you will make new friends and new prospects in every meeting. Just slow down to be effective.

When you ask meaningful and not self serving questions, you demonstrate you really understand the networking process and that you aren’t there just working to see what’s under that frilly gold and azure taffeta.

Different topic: DON’T BE THAT BOSS, a sparkling fable about powerful and weak leadership skills is now available for pre-order on amazon.com. I highly recommend it. You can also search in amazon.com under the author’s name: Mark Wiskup.

AUDIENCES LOVE A BENEVOLENT DICTATOR

2009-05-07T11:29:00.004-04:00

Audiences are investing their most valuable asset in you. They’re giving you a chunk of their lives. And they expect return on that investment, but not much: a few new ideas, something that will help them, delivered in a pleasant way.

And so many times they get ripped off. No ROI, and even worse, the principle is gone. Thirty minutes of their life they will never get back, with no return policy.

On top of that, this all takes place is a closed conference room environment that is not an exercise in democracy. It’s a dictatorship.

For short period of time, you’re the omnipotent overlord of the room, whether or not you want to be. You’re spewing forth information and the audience members have no choice but to let it spill over them, and perhaps soak it in. Everyone accepts this premise. It’s what a presentation scenario is. We all have learned to accept a dictator at the front of the in the room. We all will keep doing so as long at the rule is pleasing to us.

The core of a presentation tableau lies in the fact that for it to work, everyone in the room must stop talking so you can talk. Not just for a minute or two, like cocktail party conversations, but for fifteen to thirty minutes. For that period of time, you’re not only the center of your universe; you’re the center of theirs. They’re stuck listening to you and the rules of social decency mandate they have to at least act like they’re listening.

If you’re engaging, helpful, and fun to listen to, audience members won’t mind delivering their power to you. They’ll know you’re the boss. As long as you connect, the audience will suffer your false dictatorship, gladly, not minding at all that you’re doing all the talking. If they like the way you handle your power, they’ll ask you talk again soon.

A happy, pleased audience tells you they’re better off when you’re talking and they’re listening. Even the question and answer period is autocratic. The speaker decides who to call on, and who will respond. It’s what we (the audience) want. We will gladly give our time and attention to a speaker who is enjoyable to listen to and who teaches us something.

So it’s easy, just be great, and the audience will love your dictatorship.

NEXT TIME: FIRST TIP ON HOW TO ‘BE GREAT.’

The Audience for Your Next Presentation will be Rooting for You.

2009-01-16T08:52:00.003-05:00

Audiences don’t like being disappointed. They will quickly turn on any speaker who’s not building a connection. Therefore, the task ahead is daunting, but clear. When the spotlight is on you, never let the audience down and you’ll be golden. It’s a good goal—one you can reach.

I can say, after years of sitting in them and talking to them, that audiences are not unfair. But they are quick to judge.

Once you understand how to connect with the audience members, you’ll find you can please them every time. Audiences will keep buying what you’re selling as long as they think they want and need your ideas, your insights, and your thoughts. They are the ultimate conspicuous consumers; right out of Thorstein Veblen’s Theory of the Leisure Class (a shout out to my Dad in Corrales, MN: "See, Dad, five years of college did pay off!")

They will cheer you and keep buying your thoughts as long as you please them. Keep pleasing them, and you’ll keep the boo birds at bay, forever. That’s a good ambition because a disparaging audience won’t actually boo you to your face if you bore them. Boos might be easier to take than what really happens because instead, they’ll do worse. They will cruelly mock you behind your back if you fail to connect with them.

For the next fifteen to thirty minutes of your presentation, they want you to rock their world. And they expect you to know how to do it. After all, there you are, in front of everybody, commanding all the attention.

So your fears are well placed. I guarantee they will not “love you for just being you,” as your mom told you while wiping away your tears on the way to the first day at a new elementary school. The audience is filled with professional adults who will only “love you” if you connect with them, inform them, and help them. Follow the right steps and you can do all three every time.

Fear of Public Speaking is a Good Thing. (Really!)

2008-12-26T16:54:00.003-05:00

Everyone I coach is nervous about their next presentation. It’s understandable and it’s good. Hell, I’m nervous about my next speech on January 6, 2009. Not sweaty palms, throat constructed, “I’d rather be dead” nervous, but I’m still thinking about it, even on the holiday break.

Great presenters always fret the next presentation, speech or leadership talk. Every rock star presenter that you envy understands “the willies” can be channeled to create the energy necessary to wow the audience. So, please don’t wish for the jitters to go away! Your body is telling you, “You’re in for a fight. Get ready.”

If you harness this anxiety you’ll be able to heighten your senses, intellect, creativity and drive. Use it to deliver a powerful performance, receive encouragement and insightful questions from the audience and you’ve climbed a major hurdle: you’ve kicked a little tail on those presentation fears. Unlike all those other Mike Bradys out there, I don’t want to talk you out of your fear.

It's smart to be concerned about your next presentation. Your anxiety shows me that you’re perceptive, not paranoid. Now you can use it to your advantage.

Next time: what you need to realize about the audience members who will be in front of you.

Answer this question first, win a MW CD!

If you’d like to win your very own Mark Wiskup audio CD “YOU CAN BE A GREAT COMMUNICATOR,” just be the first to e-mail me with the answer to this trivia question.

The narrator of this classic tale of unemployment and homelessness seeks three things. What are they? Here's your clue and the set up.

This is a portion of his rambling, class conscious soliloquy, including the poignantly improper grammar.

He said, ‘I don’t know man. Ah, She kinda funny, you know...’

I said, ‘I know! Everybody funny. Now you funny too.’

Fine Print: Due to the total bummer of high international postage rates, the trivia prize competition is open only to North American residents...I'm sorry.

Everyone else: Good luck.

Happy holidays to all!

The Beauty of the "herb crusted salmon!"

2008-12-04T20:32:00.002-05:00

YIKES!!! I never followed up on my promise from June 7th to provide an alternative and stronger communication to "let's grab a bite."

Let's try this again, but with the words and power needed to fulfill the communication goal: scheduling a nice dinner with my wife.

The key ingredient to success in communication is burning the mental calories needed time to paint a picture of future success with your words. Based on that, here's what's stronger than "let's grab a bite."

"Honey, I've missed you. I want us to go out on a special date. Instead of heading to the usual places nearby, let's go to the little bistro you love...the one that's a converted house.

I know you delight in the herb crusted salmon they serve. I'll call the restaurant right now from my Blackberry and make sure they put aside a portion of the salmon just for you.

I'll get the pasta and broccoli that's so colorful and fresh. We’ll split a big bottle of San Pelligrino on ice. I'll make sure the restaurant reserves a corner window table for us, with a little votive candle on the table cloth, After that we'll walk across the street to Starbuck's and get a couple of cups of fresh decaf and something sweet and light for us to share. I want us to have a great date tonight. Will you go out with me?"

That’s a 151-words longer than the “grab a bite” request, but it’s worth the effort. The word picture of the candles, the mineral water, the great meal and the second half of the date gives this communication much more impact than the cool and efficient “grab a bite” request.

Please don’t focus on the word picture itself in this example. I know the “herb crusted salmon” is right for my wife, but may not be for many significant others.

You may even think it’s over the top…like, puking over the top. Or you may think it indicates a sense of guilt for whatever reason, about the recent road trip.

The rightness or the wrongness of “herb crusted salmon” is not what is critical. What is important is that you start working on your words picture if you want to create more powerful connections and more success for yourself.

Even if he or she hates salmon.

Sure, “Shut Up!” is no longer rude…but be careful with it.

2008-12-02T21:50:00.002-05:00

At some point in time, anthropologists can’t peg a year or month, because there's no carbon dating for pop idioms, the words, “Why I find that quite interesting, please tell me more,” became replaced with the formerly offensive “Shut up!!”
Here’s an example:

Them: “Jamie just got an awesome job with great pay in New York.”

You: “SHUT UP!”

Now “shut up” in this instance, does not imply the command, “You stop talking about that, this instant!” which anyone born before 1968 would take it to mean. Instead, it purveys tremendous interest and perhaps unbridled joy, as in,
“That is just tremendous news, I am so glad for Jaimie. She is truly an inspiration.”

Who knows (and who cares) how the informal command “stop talking” morphed into “I’m being extremely attentive to your words.”

Perhaps that edgy hipster in the 40’s created the DNA with the colloquial “You don’t say?” which we now take for granted to mean “that’s interesting.” Back in the day perhaps it was met with the same confusion (“Why would you ask ‘you don’t say’ when I just said it?) someone my age now faces with the “shut up” exclamation.

My research has also shown a toned down version of “shut up” is a vociferous “seriously?” Oh, sure you still wanted to know more with a strident “seriously,” but you aren’t as excited as you are when you squeal “shut up.”

So know I will give you my time stamp tips for the proper use of these words.

If:

• The name H.R. Haldeman doesn’t ring a bell…
• You can’t name a single Jethro Tull song…
• You don’t know that Susan Dey was a total fox…

Please use the “SHUT UP” exclamation with a smile on your face and a nodding head, so the rest of us will not be insulted. Eventually we’ll get it.

If, on the other hand:

• You remember the HR was always followed with “Bob” before Haldeman …
• You can recite the opening lyrics to “Thick as a Brick”
• And you admit that you watched the Partridge Family on ABC just to see that weekly clip of Laurie Partridge on stage with the tambourine….

Never use the words “Shut up” when you mean to say “that’s interesting.” It’s just pitiful.

Don’t Answer Your Own Questions Out Loud. Give Someone Else a Chance.

2008-09-29T09:27:00.002-04:00

Do you want to imitate someone who never passes a mirror that doesn’t warrant a few gratifying moments of positive self adulation? Of course you don’t, now do you?

Why do I ask you this? Because I loath the disingenuousness that emanates from speakers who never consider how much they antagonize audiences by asking a question, that they themselves answer. Don’t you agree?

I know you do, as I do. Which leaves both of us wondering, how is it possible they (the question self-answerers) think this is helpful to them? Ah, well, my thesis is that tweedy condescension doesn’t always necessitate a wool sport coat with patches to achieve the effect, now does it? I know you’ll agree with me that it doesn’t.

Enough of the example. Answering your own questions is a communication nightmare. It tells the audience you are self indulgent and ineffective. That ruins your connections and your ability to positively influence who you are in front of.

My lesson to you is: if you ask a question, you can create an instant and solid connection with the audience, in a conference room or an auditorium, if you let someone else answer. Do it over and over again, and you’ll make a lot of connections.

Audience members may feign embarrassment at being asked to please state their answer even louder so that all might here, but I say they secretly enjoy the attention. The question answerer and everyone in the room will give you, the speaker tremendous credit for your willingness to share the stage and allowing others to be heard.

Make your audience a part of your presentation and they will listen to you.

Otherwise just make a statement.

Efficient Communication is not Good Communication: Date With the Spouse Example

2008-06-07T15:04:00.007-04:00

I know lots of people who travel often as a part of their work routine. They love their work but they also always look forward to returning home after each trip. I am one of those people.

The first thing I want to do after every trip is to spend time with my wife, usually over a relaxing dinner. So as I wait at the gate to board my plane, you would think it might be natural for me to turn on the Blackerry hit the speed dial for my wife and say,

“Hey babe, I miss your face. Let’s go out and grab a bite after I land tonight.”

On the surface, these two brief sentences may sound appealing to most of you: reasonable, kind, and affectionate.

It’s not. That’s why if you're sitting next to me at an airport waiting to board a plane you will never, ever hear me say it. If I did, here’s what she might say:

“Grab a bite? Well, I don’t think so. I’m just not in the mood. There’s way too much work around here. What I really want it for you come home and lend a hand.”

Any spouse or partner might respond to the “Grab a bite” invitation this way because it’s a good example of an effortless, mediocre communication. “Grab a bite” is efficient, but worthless, because it won’t help me to change the status quo. I’m still not going to have that relaxing dinner with my wife. Delivering a fast, efficient, and to the point message, means I lose.

“Grab a bite” is too brief, too glib, and too simple and is completely devoid of work and energy. The negative reaction like the one I might receive from my wife is exactly what frequently stuns the lazy communicator, who whines, “Hey, I’m just trying to be nice.”

This arrogant communicator is talking, but not connecting, mouthing brief and pithy words, but not doing the real work necessary to build a connection.

Next Time: How You Can be Good and Build Connections Quickly, Instead of Just Effcient.

PowerPoint Rule #3: Lay off Clip Art.

2008-04-13T11:45:00.004-04:00

Back in the dawn of computer literacy, let’s say 1989, the ability to place a clever little cartoon or artist’s rendition in a presentation was a source of complete wonder and amazement. I believe time has passed clip art by. I have not seen a presentation the last five years that’s been enhanced by slide containing clip art. This despite the fact that Power Point along with the web, tempts you with a never ending cavalcade of cartoons and sketches to choose from.

I don’t think highly of clip art because it doesn’t create a connection with the audience. No one says,

“Oh isn’t that just too funny. That cartoon character is so mad at his computer; he’s smashing it with a hammer. Now I understand what the speaker is explaining about eliminating stress in the workplace. What a helpful slide!”

I say clip art; even non-cartoon clip art does not help the speaker connect with the audience. It looks tired and takes the energy and meaning away from the speaker’s words. Here’s a good example. Better you show the audience the text word “cash flow” on the screen, than a big green, three-dimensional sparkling “$”.

We see too many fantastic, and wonderful images every day on TV and on the internet, that are custom created by the best computer artists on the planet. Please do not try to compete with them. If you can leave the clip art alone, you’ll be able to concentrate on more helpful text and powerful charts.

Some of you may struggle with this tip. You might disagree with my strident negative vibes toward clip art. You could like all kinds of crazy and clever clip art, and find it very helpful. It may even encourage you to deliver presentations that wind up being positive experiences for you. Then let’s just say gentle-people can disagree. Listen to my advice and then…

Keep using it then, if it works for you.

PowerPoint Rule #2 Interesting words, fewer words, large text.

2008-03-30T13:29:00.002-04:00

Stop expecting so much from PowerPoint. Realize your slides should give the audience a gentle visual push toward your ideas. That’s all they can do for you. Your talk is all about your ideas, not the slides. So, the easier the words are for the audience to read, the better slides flow with your voice.

Keep the text large, and limit the number of words on each page.

I’ve seen all kinds of guidelines: 15-words per slide, seven words per slide. I don’t care. I’d rather you fight to make sure the words on the screen work to re-enforce the words coming out of your mouth. They should not be the exact words, just a few of the helpful, strong words you are speaking.

You can do that by throwing in some dynamic verbs, adjectives and adverbs, the same way you do when you speak. . Add a second line, or subtitle, a dash of spice. Don’t go nuts…just a gentle push.

An active, thoughtful title page is a good way to get off to a great start, assuring your audience a snore-fest is not ahead.

Ineffective and Boring Title Page:

October Sales Figures

Doesn’t send your heart racing or create intense anticipation does it? It’s nothing more than a label, something you’d put on a file folder tab. Slides like this are common, but never inspiring. They give PowerPoint a bad name (cue Bon Jovi).

Average Title Page:

October Sales Figures:

Off the Mark

Average Titles neither hurt nor help the speaker. It does give the audience an idea of what they’re going to be hearing about, and hints there might be some interest ahead, but doesn’t show you’re going to rock their world.

Strong Title Page:

October Sales Disappointment:

Why We Missed the Goal

This works on several levels. Strong titles tell the audience what they’re going to hear and give them a reason to care. This title adds some emotion (“disappointment”) and intellect, telling the audience members that this speaker has gone to real effort to make the time in the conference room valuable for everyone.

It’s all on you: to keep that word count low, the size of the letters large. Use fewer words, and choose ones that describe and emote.

Remember, no one offers a pat on the back squealing, “Wow, good job cramming as many words as possible on the screen! That was simply wonderful!”

Next Time: Chart and Graphs can be interesting…oh, yes, they can.

PowerPoint Rule #1 Take a Lesson from TV News.

2008-03-29T16:14:00.003-04:00

The number one rule of television news is that video has to match audio. What the audience sees must match what the audience hears. That’s the first thing professors teach every television news cub reporter in journalism school.

This means get the words down first and then match the pictures to them.

This dictum has guided the editing of every television news story you’ve ever seen: audio first, then video. Television journalists write the words, record them and then fit the visuals to match. Otherwise, stories would be hard to follow and impossible to edit. It’s a critical rule for you to follow as you open up PowerPoint and start to make your slides.

Each slide should re-enforce the audio, a technical way of saying, the precious words coming out of your mouth. That means the info on the screen must mirror and supports your words. Make this a rule for every single slide.

Even experienced speakers struggle with this concept. I’ve had executives try to explain to me if the audience can read additional facts on the slides while they’re listening to what the presenter is saying is saying, everyone is better off. They’re saying if audience members can read and digest, while listening and digesting, they’re getting two for one!

I say it’s really zero for two!

Everybody loses when the words and diagrams on the screen don’t mirror what the speaker is talking about. Slides that add new, ancillary information, that don’t match what the speaker is saying give the audience a headache.

The presentation quickly becomes too much work for everyone in the audience and “oh-oh,” here come the wandering thoughts of the awesome shoe sales going on at Nordstrom’s, picks in upcoming fantasy baseball draft, and the eternal question: can Will Ferrell stop making the same sports movie over and over again? (Hey, I liked “Talladega Nights” but to see WF at the height of brilliance check out “More Cowbell” from SNL).

Make sure the words, tables and charts on the screen back up and re-enforce the words coming out of your mouth. That way you stand a better chance of keeping them in the room with you.

Hate the player, not the game.… I.E. PowerPoint is your friend.

2008-03-18T22:52:00.003-04:00

You would never think to curse your car radio when, scanning through the dial, you happen to hear any song by John Mayer. The pain that you feel, which I know is very real, is not the radio’s fault…it rests at another doorstep altogether. (Those of you over forty, replace John Mayer with Barry Manilow for this analogy to bear fruit).

There’s no reason to hate the ubiquitous (“Wow Daddy, good SAT word,” as my daughter says) PowerPoint just because many presenters mangle its strength, ruining the presentation experience for you. PowerPoint is a great tool, which has gotten a bad rap because you’ve seen it at its worst, time and time again.

When used properly, PowerPoint can help you

Prepare and organize your upcoming presentation.
Give you confidence as you step to the front of the room.
Keep you on track and focused.
Create stronger connections with your audience.

“All I am saying, (beat, beat, beat) is give PowerPoint a chance.”

If that stolen reference doesn’t stir you, how about this one:

“PowerPoint doesn’t kill presentations, people kill presentations!”

I’ll provide the keys to making your next presentation more Led Zeppelin and less Bee Gees, in future posts.

ROCK ON!

(I fully recognize the somewhat pathetic sound this closing line resonates coming from a fifty-one year old, but as a baby-boomer I don’t care.)

E-mail mine fields: criticism, sarcasm and naughty jokes are never a hoot when they are read aloud in court.

2008-02-19T22:50:00.002-05:00

E-mail is like casual sex. Every time you click “send” you could be clicking “send” with everyone one they’ve ever clicked “send” with.

Ok, argue all you want that it’s a weak analogy, but the simple act of sending an inappropriate e-mail has ruined more than one career. All because the sender thought their little present of insightful, biting wit or a filthy limerick that “I don’t usually forward stuff like this, but you gotta take a look at this one…it’s hilarious” went on to thousands, instead of just one friend.

That’s not even taking into account that the e-mails stay on the hidden (but not forgotten) faithful server for years. And my guess is you will find the full version of “There once was a man from Nantucket” not at all that hilarious when you have to read it out loud in court from the witness stand at the direction of the lawyer who is suing you or your company.

Don’t take a chance. Keep the details of your real thoughts, hopes and feelings of disdain to real conversations. That means take the time pick up the phone so the other person can hear the tone your voice, and your intent. They can't by accident pass on your acerbic words with just a click/send set of keystrokes.

I’m not saying don’t gossip or complain. I’m not so pure to that I can give you that kind of advice. I’m saying just don’t gossip or complain over the internet. Stick to plain, vanilla information (like time a place of the next meeting) or mild, non-emotive praise in your e-mails.

Here’s an example:

Harmful e-mail, because it is deadly in the wrong hands:

Whoa…I guess Carol is the Lord Queen of Liability Insurance now that she came back from that seminar in Toronto. So nice of her to treat her loyal serfs to her brilliant risk insight, isn’t it? Let’s grab a bite today and discuss how we can dethrone her highness….in fact, let’s make it our goal to let Carol Antoinette eat cake!

Better E-mail, because it is completely innocuous:

Do you have time for a bite today? I’d like to go over some of Carol’s new ideas for our liability program.

Then, over an iced tea and Greek Salad, go ahead and assassinate Carol’s professional character.

Next time: the proper use of those nifty little flags that say your e-mail is really important!

Music Lyric Quiz:

What would you “change on into” if you were a “prima-ballerina on a spring afternoon?”

Degree of difficulty scale of 1 – 10: 8

Send me your answer: mark@wiskupcommunications.com.

I’ll send the first reader who answers correctly a signed copy of THE IT FACTOR, as long as they live in North America. For all others, a hearty congrats will have to do!

What is THE IT FACTOR and why it's a good thing.

2008-02-01T18:22:00.000-05:00

If I were to deliver my exact definition I’d say THE IT FACTOR is the ability to use your words to quickly demonstrate to others that your experiences and ideas are valuable; and that at the same time, you want to learn from the valuable ideas and experiences of others. Yet, those who talk about someone having THE IT FACTOR would mostly likely not choose to define this ability in such precise and direct words. They probably would just use examples of seeing the benefits of THE IT FACTOR:

“Elaine gave a wonderful presentation…we were listened to everything she had to say because she made all of her ideas so interesting. She really has THE IT FACTOR.”

“I was introduced to your sales vice president Charles last week at the industry conference. Wow! He has a lot of energy and enthusiasm, as well as some bold and creative tactics. It’s easy to listen to him because he definitely has THE IT FACTOR.”

THE IT FACTOR is the skill to attract the attention of others in a very positive way, drawing them closer to you in a short amount of time, usually just minutes. If you have THE IT FACTOR, you know how to have meaningful and beneficial conversations with everyone you meet while never having to resort to insincere flattery. Those who have THE IT FACTOR are confident and energetic in all business and social situations.

Mastering the skills of THE IT FACTOR will give you a tremendous personal and career advantage. It means that you can learn from others more quickly, because others will be more willing to share their ideas with you. It means that you will be able to convince others to consider your ideas with greater speed, because others will believe there is value in listening to you. THE IT FACTOR gives you the power to positively influence others instantly, improving your productivity and your performance,

THE IT FACTOR is frequently is referred to as something rare and almost magical. Some who do not have THE IT FACTOR can be jealous of those who do, complaining the “haves” are lucky, falsely charming, or just good at saying the right thing at the right time. I disagree. I believe anyone who is willing to study the lessons and devote the energy necessary to improving their positive verbal communication skills; can reap quickly the benefits of THE IT FACTOR.

Unless Mike and Carol Brady are presiding over your next meeting, you must put work into the questions you want to ask.

2008-01-30T12:56:00.000-05:00

Now that I’ve dropped the veil of depression over your head by proclaiming vehemently that there are indeed dumb, inane, moronic questions, I’m going to start lifting you up. The key is never blurt out a question without putting some effort into it. If you do miss a moment to interject, you’ll have another chance later if the matter is important enough.

Asking questions can help you in every meeting, when they display intellect. You should be motivated to ask a question to provide the clarity you need to take part in the current discussion. So here are some quick rules for connecting with your questions.

You can kill your career if you waste other people’s time. If it would only take you five keystrokes on Google back at your desk to get the answer, don’t ask that question in a meeting. You should probe others for insight, not easily obtainable facts. Your colleagues, even your buddies in the room, will have a low tolerance level for time wasting questions.
Ask your question with intensity and strength, never with apology:

“I am not familiar with the company you mentioned, could you please tell me more about how they might help us?” is much stronger than, “I’m sorry, but I have to ask, what is that company again and what do they do?” The apology thing is more than lame...it’s hurtful. Topic for another posting.
Use word pictures in your questions, and be kind enough to ask others to use them as well.
“I see our warehouse overflowing daily, wall to wall with products that we should be getting to our customers much faster. Please tell me how you see the new shipping plan alleviating the mess that we know is ahead of us?”

Remember, only your Mom, Carol, Mike believe that you can never ask a dumb question. The rest of us will hold you to a higher standard.

Oh Yes...There ARE Dumb Questions.

2008-01-16T08:29:00.000-05:00

Stop believing anyone at the front of the room of your next meeting who professes,

“Now come on, raise your hands, and remember, there are no dumb questions!”

This moronic and self perpetuating falsehood has speakers falsely believing they’ve created positive karma in the room. They haven’t. Begging for interaction with those in front of you is plenty dumb, though and needy. Either the audience will have questions or they won’t.

When I hear a speaker say we should raise our hands making any and all inquiries because you see, there are no dumb questions, I have the overwhelming urge to raise my hand, dramatically clear my throat and then ask,

“Well, if that’s the case, uhm, I was just wondering, in the 1965 musical THE SOUND OF MUSIC, when Maria and the Von Trapp cherubs put on a puppet show that charms The Captain and steams the competitive (and “quite fit,” as Ali G would say) Baroness, what character did Maria provide the voice for? You see, I’ve got that YOD-A-LAY-HE- HO song in my head, but it’s bugging the heck out of me about Maria.”

Or if I’m feeling particularly saucy, I might pound the speaker with veiled SPINAL TAP trivia:

“What is the difference between 10 and 11?”

For those of you who do not worship at the altar of Nigel Tufnel, the answer is that “it’s one louder, isn’t it.”

There are dumb questions, plenty of them. And we’ve all seen them suck the air out of the room faster than ABC canceled “Cavemen.” Now don’t get me wrong, asking a question in front of everyone is great. I encourage you to do it, as long as you employ the proper technique and cadence.

Next time: how to make sure you ask questions that further, and not tank, your career.

PRESENTATION 'WILLIES' IS A GOOD THING.

2007-12-29T11:04:00.001-05:00

You may dread your upcoming sales or conference presentation because you are worried you will be judged by others. Congratulations: you are right…you will be!

You may be nervous about your next trip to the podium. I say good for you…and you should be.

The fact that your future presentation is giving you a case of the “willies” (see Cleaver, Wally, brother of Theodore) demonstrates your head is in the right place. All you want is to do a good job for the audience. Your body is telling you, “You’re in for a fight.” Get ready. This anxiety can be channeled to help you heighten your senses, intellect, creativity and drive. Deliver a powerful performance, receive encouragement and insightful questions from the audience and you’ve climbed a major hurdle: you’ve kicked a little tail on those presentation fears.

The distress signals your body sends out to as you approach the front of the room: sweaty palms (as well as, upper lips, foreheads and underarms,) constricted throat, butterflies in the stomach, shortness of breath comes from realistic fears, not silly insecurities..

Please don’t wish for the jitters to go away. Confident and experience speakers, like pro athletes and Las Vegas entertainers, recognize that sense of discomfort is a necessary tool.

It helps them to help them focus, prepare thoroughly and perform well.

It can help you too. A reasonable dose of apprehensive and out and out fright is a good thing.

It Seems Harmless but, "I'M JUST SAYING" is Destructive to Your Connections.

2007-12-22T21:49:00.000-05:00

In the marbled halls of the Passive Aggressive Hall of Fame* just to the right of the exhibit celebrating marital use of the expression, “Everything is just fine. You don’t worry about me,” lies an entire corner booth dedicated to the efficiency and brilliance of the expression, “I’m just saying.”

Utter these three little words and it appears you get all the leeway to criticize others while remaining pristine and incredibly cordial. You believe you are the blameless for your negative vibes whenever you toss in “I’m just saying…” at the end of your evaluation of the situation.

Think about the times someone you hear, “I’m just saying.” Odds are it’s never preceded by a positive statement. Here’s the passive aggressive part…it doesn’t soften the blow. It makes it worse because of the “Hey, I’m a great guy” posturing.

· You may say: “I think your budget projections are way off, but I’m just saying.” What the other person hears is, “I think your budget projections are way off but, I’m just questioning your competence. But don’t let that bother you.” Much stronger to say, “I think your budget projections are off and let me tell you why. If I’m off base with my ideas, let me know and then we’ll figure it out.” This is strong: you’ve said your piece in a direct way, you are willing to back it up, and you’re also willing to have your ideas examined. This is extremely connective.

· You may say, “I’m not sure that tie goes with that shirt, but I’m just saying.” What the other person hears is, “I don’t think that tie goes with that shirt, but I’m just calling your fashion sense into questions while being obnoxious and critical.” Much better to say, “that tie and shirt combination is not flattering to you. Do you have any other options?” Even better to keep that your opinion to yourself unless you are asked.

Somewhere along the way the expressions, “I’m just saying” became accepted as a free pass to criticize freely without consequence. It isn’t. “I’m just saying,” hurts someone else every time you use it.

So get rid of “I’m just saying,” from your patterns of speech, starting today.

“Just so you know…” doesn’t work either…more on that next time.

*It would be ridiculous for you to try to find “The Passive Aggressive Hall of Fame” on Google. But, I’m just saying.

Welcome

2007-11-22T23:08:00.000-05:00

This is a test.